The Ambassadors of Qwan

NFC Week 11 Preview Brought To You By Keep It Real Malt Beverage

2007-11-16T16:38:00.001-05:00

Tampa Bay -3 vs Atlanta

Despite losing me a huge survivor pool pick a few weeks back with that atrocious loss to the Jags, the Buccaneers take that cannon banging pirate ship on the road and contain Michael Vick errr Joey Harrington errr Byron Leftwich. Bucs 28 Falcons 10.

Dallas -11 ½ vs Washington

As much as it pains me to say it, the Cowboys are pretty darn good, and that durn band ain’t gonna be playing any time soon for the ‘Skins. Cowboys are gonna be up big in this one, I mean Patriots big. They will run up the score because Wade Phillips has no idea how to count and he giggles when he sees Romo wear that cheesy grin. On a side note, screw Jason Witten, seriously, screw him. I got your Rocky Top right here. Try and keep your helmet on this week. Boys 41 Skins 7

Carolina +10 ½ vs Green Bay

No way the Packers lose this one, right? Wrong. I’ll take the Panthers without the points. Take ‘em on the money line. Steve Smith hasn’t done jack squat for 7 weeks. This week they try him at quarterback and run the option with Foster and DeAngelo. Vinny and Carr line up at the WR spots and Smith refuses to throw them the ball anywhere near them for a change. Either way, the Panthers get the win, and Brett Favre gives us a glimpse of last year (but only for a week). Panthers 21 Pack 20

NY Giants -3 vs Detroit

Ah, the week I was dreading ever since draft day. My fantasy heart (Kitna and his disciples) versus my reality heart (them lovable G-men). I may even start Matt Schaub and Jeff Garcia in two leagues, just to show that I live in the now, not in some fantasy world like mon frere, the Iron Sheik. Brandon Jacobs goes off this week and they actually give him the goal line carries. Plaxico bounces back, Shockey gets a personal foul, and Strahan brings back the “we ballin’” celebration. Eli even cuts it down to 7 delay of game penalties and 3 turnovers. Giants 31 Lions 21

Chicago +5 ½ vs Seattle

I don’t know. Maurice Morris versus Cedric Benson. This should have been the London game because it can’t be better than the Giants/Dolphins game. The Bears defense will do something crazy, Paris Hilton will raise that stupid 12th man flag, and Mike Holmgren will shave his mustache for the game in protest of No Shave November. Bears 5 Seahawks 3.

Week 11 AFC Preview - Brought to you by Bud Select

2007-11-13T15:33:00.000-05:00

KC @ Indy - I expect Manning to rebound this week, assuming they can find 11 healthy offensive players to take the field. Look for the signings of Willie Gault, Art Monk, and the like late in the week. Colts, 24-12.

Cleveland @ Baltimore - I would rather watch my parents make out than the Ravens Offense. That is to say, not at all. Cleveland, 17-3.

New England @ Buffalo - I will take whoever is playing the Patriots the rest of the year. So when they do lose, I will be the super genius. And because I hate them with the fire of a thousand firey hells. Buffalo, 86-85.

Tennessee @ Denver - Going out on a limb and predicting this Monday nite affair never happens. 3 hours prior to game time the stadium will mysteriously burn down. Tuesday's investigation will find that the monster bong that was built by Travis Henry and Pacman Jones in the basement got out of control.

Back from the dead

2007-11-13T14:54:00.000-05:00

"Sheik," I hear you say, "Where in the name of Brady Quinn's jockstrap have you been?" To this very fair question I can only say this...what in the world would I have written about in the time since you last read?

Events that have unfolded:

-The Bears lost in the Super Bowl. Man, I promised myself I would never speak of that.

-The Irish were embarrased in a BCS Bowl, and apparently their punishment for losing was they had to henceforth banish any and all legitimate football players from the program, and replace them with cross-eyed midgets. Hence, what we are witnessing this season.

-The Bears bring back the exact same offense that lost them the Super Bowl. The....exact.....same......offense.

-I still hate the NBA.

-Florida repeats at the Final Four. Oh, please....hold - one sec.......ok. I just threw up in my trash can.

The defense rests.

NFL Draft Recap – brought to you by Yuengling Premium Light Beer

2006-05-09T16:34:00.000-04:00

Imagine Nicole Ritchie making a concerted effort to be dumber. Or Wal-Mart going out of its way to be more white-trash. Or country music becoming more annoying. Basically that is what the Bears did at the NFL Draft this year. I’m not at all saying that any of the draftees are dumb, white-trash, or annoying – although they could be, I have never met any of them personally. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I’m asking this…why do you take a team that includes one of the best defenses in NFL history (and one that is still very young) and on the other side - one of the worst offenses in the history of the world – and draft all defense???

New rule this year…you can’t win a 0 to 0 game. Another new rule – no matter how much you dominate a game defensively, you can’t get the other team into negative points. So there will be no 0 to -6 wins either.

Here’s why they did this – because these guys hate me. The front office in Chicago hates me personally. So in actuality, I should be the one apologizing to my fellow Bears fans, because the only reason they continually draft based on rock-paper-scissors methodology is to spite me. It all stems from this little incident that took place after the 98 draft - I won't go into details, but it basically involves me dropping a deuce on Mr. McCaskey's front lawn in objection to the Curtis Enis selection. I hate to say I told you so...........................but I digress.

Sidebar - here is a truly great play on a great song referencing another Bears draft blunder:
Cade McNown.

Rexy baby – I hope you have a few tricks up your sleeve – this squad is going to need them. Actually – lets start by having that “sleeve” on the field for more than 2 games this season…then we’ll move on to your secret magic.

As for the other teams in the draft, it couldn’t have been worse than this – so congratulations.

2006 ND Football Preview

2006-05-09T16:31:00.000-04:00

1. Quinn to Samardzija.
2. PAT is good.
3. Repeat.

Sunday's activities...

2006-02-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

Daytona 500?

Winter Olympics?

NBA All-Star Game?

I'll take the Nissan Open, a red potato wet burrito, and a sunday night card game anytime.

Bless Presidents' Day.

Offseason Wish List

2006-02-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

This past football season can only be summed up with one word in the Sheik's household - bittersweet. Encouraging regular seasons gave way to lack-luster post seasons. It is kind of like the hottest girl in school asking you to prom like 4 months in advance...and then the day of the event she stone colds you. Translation - you find yourself floating on cloud nine only to realize that cloud nine isn't really cloud nine. It isn't even cloud 8. It isn't a cloud at all - it was just a smoke and mirrors dirty trick. Stupid high school girls. And what does cloud nine even freaking mean? If I ever find the guy that came up with that saying, I'm gonna beat him so bad...

But I digress. I'm speaking now to the decision makers of the Chicago Bears and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish - please hear me. We both only have one priority, and how ironic that both teams fates lie in the same hands.........the secondary.

Corners, safeties, nickel backs, dime backs - we welcome any and all that will cover an opposing receiver.

Sidebar - Steve Smith just caught another 23 yard pass.

Yes - the rules have changed slightly on the WAY you can cover a wide receiver. But they didn't outlaw the act of coverage itself. And they don't even put a limit on the number of guys that can guard one receiver. So lets say a team has a quarterback that needs extreme doses of ridelin, and can only locate one receiver on every down. We can technically put 3, 4, 5 DB's on that one guy - hence making it more difficult for him to come open.

Steve Smith is a professional. He gets paid to get open and catch balls. But 28 or 29 in one game is just a shade over ridiculous.

Sidebar - that flash you just saw across your screen was Teddy Ginn scoring another 93 yard touchdown.

Folks - I'm not fast. The fastest you will see me move is when I head to the fridge when a commercial comes on to make a sandwich. However - I gaurantee you this. If I have a 30 yard head start on Teddy Ginn in a 50 yard dash - there is no way he is getting past me. He is faster than Walt Flannigan's dog, but he is not getting past me with that kind of cushion.

Which leads me to ask - WHY CAN'T WE KEEP SOMEONE BEHIND HIM AT ALL TIMES???? How can we possibly allow him to be standing 20 yards beyond our safeties, just standing there, by himself, picking his butt, macking on the cheerleaders, waiting for the ball to come down? It is just not feasible.

I beg you both - fix this. Charlie - work some magic. Fix this. Lovie Baby - I love you - but please fix this.

81 Luff Balloons??!!??

2006-01-26T15:43:00.000-05:00

I woke up on Monday morning after watching the NFL Conference Championships on Sunday. Like much of the regular season this year, I ignored the NBA's scores from the previous day, even though I am the biggest Laker fan since Fletch.

First, let me say I am one of Kobe's biggest apologists. Watch him play, sometime, really watch him. You cant say he isnt one of the best all around players ever. You cant, he's that good..

"Did you see Kobe last night," a friend asked me excitedly. I figured he put up another 55 on someone. Little did I know he put 55 up in one half.

Wait a dang minute? 81 points?

Nah, cant be. 4 overtimes, right? Nope, he did it regulation. Dude sat half of the 2nd quarter, even.

Let me say that again, cause its been 4 days and I still dont believe it. 81 points in an NBA game.

Michael used to do that right? Nope, he never even hit 70. I guess Kobe doesnt want to be like Mike. Kareem? nope. Baylor, nope? Robinson? Nope. Shaq? Nope. AI? Nope.

KOBE? YES!

Only Wilt, in an era where he could score at Willt (pardon the pun), and he shot 32 FT's. Kobe shot 20 FT's in 12 less minutes than Wilt played in his game of 100 pts.

I think Reggie Miller said it best on PTI the other day. Anyone who criticizes this performance is doing it out of pure jealousy. Plain and simple.

Hate on Kobe all you want. I did my share of Michael hating back in the day. However, dont get lost on the fact that he scored 81 pts in 41 minutes while shooting over 50% from 2 and from 3 point range. 18-20 from the foul line. His 1st two misses in over 2 weeks.

If it wasnt the best scoring performance in NBA history outside of Wilt scoring 100 (I personally think its even better than Wilt's), I would like to see the better performance.

Sorry, not much funniness to this post, but I still cant believe my eyes. 81 points. Good Grief.

NFL Thoughts and Musings

2006-01-26T12:58:00.000-05:00

You are probably asking - "How can the NFL be in the hottest part of its season and AOQ has stayed silent on all NFL related topics?" Well the silence is being broken today.

This Super Bowl matchup should quite any banter about whether or not the NFL is rigged. The fact that the Seattle Seahawks are still standing puts to bed any possibility that the league sets things up the way they want them. There are like 3 people who care about the Seahawks outside of their 53 man roster - Steve Largent, Brian Bosworth, and Kurt Kobain. Ok, so that really only makes it 2. Enough said about the Super Bowl - on to topics people care about.

Someone said to me the other day - in the midst of my rantings about the Bears - "At least your team got in the playoffs." Let me tell you something. I've been around a long time, and your team making the playoffs doesn't mean crap. Especially this team - I mean lets be honest, a defense like that comes along about as often as a blockbuster CD from Hootie and the Blowfish. If your defense is giving up less than 10 points a game, and you don't make the playoffs...you should be banned from football. Period. The Akili Smith lead Bengal Offense could have taken this team to the playoffs, so don't give me that crap about "at least." At least I didn't kick you in the neck after saying that.

Colts...what is there to say man. I'm seriously not even going down that road, because there is nothing to rehash. Apparently it isn't a New England jinx - it is just a playoff mental block, because they will do this crap again next year. Win 96 games in the regular season...get beat up in the playoffs. No possible way this team shouldn't be in the Super Bowl. This is how you spell choke...

C - Can you please block someone?
H - Hey Tarrick Glenn - you can't move until the ball is snapped. New rule this year.
O - Oh hey, Polamalu just made another tackle.
K - Kickers are so useless.
E - Every freakin year man.

Parting thought - whoever is in charge of giving Jake Delhomme his ridelin is doing a piss poor job.

I'll give ya respect

2006-01-12T11:26:00.001-05:00

If you had to quantify it - what would be the absolute maximum amount of respect an individual or group of individuals could be shown? Would it be bowing to their every request, and no longer making them earn anything - but simply giving them what they desire because we respect them so much? Maybe sectioning off a portion of the country, and making the person or persons the absolute supreme ruler of that part of the land...and they will answer to no one.

That might not even be enough for Tom Brady and the Pats - I think they are looking for the U.S. Government to set up a religion that will deify them, and then mandate their worship on the people of this country.

Let's assume that Tom and the boys are somewhat rational for the time being, and that they are looking for supreme respect within the realm of professional football (which seems to me should be the boundaries of the respect they earn.) What else could anyone involved with the NFL or its production possibly do to show these clowns more respect? Every time you change the channel - all you get is, "Tom Brady is the most clutch performer since Davy Crockett," or "If I was a woman, the only man I would want would be Tom Brady," or "Bill Belichick is probably the smartest being to be born since God."

Everyone in the media says this stuff and backs this line of thinking - EVERYONE.

What more can we do Tom? Tell me what I can do for you, to give you more respect. I am planning on not sending my children to school when they come of age, and just setting up a film room in my basement where they can watch game tapes of you and your brilliance. I am also planning on moving the family in the offseason, and setting up shop on your front lawn so that we can all bask in your aura.....and maybe, just maybe glean some of your perfection just by being so close to you.

Don't come around here with that crap Tom. Homey don't play that.

Maybe if you do something like going to Iraq and restoring all peace, or curing AIDS in Africa, or ending Castro's reign in Cuba - maybe something like that could warrant MORE respect than you have right now. But until then, shut your pie hole.

You playing the foosball behind my back

2005-12-23T13:56:00.000-05:00

I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank the powers that be at the NFL for moving the majority of the games to Saturday this week.

I'm not sure I'd have been in the Christmas spirit if I had to race back to the Internet after each bite of my mother-in-law's ham (my grandfather-in-law doesn't eat birds...dont ask).

How sick is it when you have to decide between TWO of the following: Bettis, Greg Jones, Artose Pinner, Zack Crockett, and Koren Robinson????

Did you guys watch the Giants game last week? Refer to my previous post. Give the ball to Tiki!

Lastly, I have to open this up for discussion: Is not Oasis the greatest British rock band since the Beatles?

Week 15 NFL Not-so-Marquise Match Ups – Brought to you by Schmidt’s Gay

2005-12-16T13:05:00.000-05:00

#3 – Cleveland at Oakland. First of all, what is the deal with the QB Battle in Oakland? Turner is going to keep switching starters – for what? To see which one of these guys can record the most meaningless wins possible? Give me a break man. Just get somebody to go in there and kneel on it at this point, be it Collins or Tuiasapoopoo and quit subjecting us to the pain. Whoever starts, they obviously aren’t going to throw it to Moss anyways, because of the league wide conspiracy to keep me out of the fantasy playoffs. Mission accomplished boys – go on with your business.

I like Cleveland in this one, 8-4.

#2 – Green Bay at Baltimore. This one is on prime time too folks, so Al and John can try to make some weak attempt at making this game appear to mean something. This is one of those games that you actually hope that they break in midway through the 3rd quarter with something like a white Bronco in a police chase on the interstate.

Something else to look forward to – 85% of all conversation hovering around whether or not Brett Favre will come back next year. I have also heard a rumor that they are cutting the Tim McGraw segment of halftime, in favor of airing the uncut, uncensored documentary about the hard time done by 13 of the Raven’s starters over the past 5 years.

Take Favre and the Packers – because you know that Brett Favre is a warrior and will never give up and will play every game to the bone and is a nothing but a gun slinger and is a natural born winner and is a leader of men and is the consummate professional and he will never be equaled…14-6.

And the unquestioned toilet bowl of the week….

#1 – Arizona at Houston. You want to talk about a sad state of affairs, then look no further. No one has been more over-hyped than this year’s Arizona Cardinals, as all I heard in the preseason was that Arizona was poised to take the NFC West and do some damage in the playoffs. Wow. You know when you are playing Super Tecmo Bowl and the guy you are playing picks the exact play you picked – how it is like someone unleashed the flood gates of hell and you lose 27 yards as soon as you snap the ball? That is pretty much what happens every time Arizona calls a running play. Another ironic thing about Super Tecmo; guess what team you would never ever choose when you play that game…Arizona – which was actually Phoenix at the time. And that was like 18 years ago, and nothing has changed.

Now the topper. We have franchises that are this inept – and we still feel the need for expansion. Cue the Texans fight song please. Screw up upon screw up, this has been a nightmare from the start. You can’t debate whether or not it is David Carr’s fault because we have never seen the guy go more than 3 consecutive snaps without getting his face mask busted in half. Hard to pick up your pride when you are too busy picking up your teeth.

The unfortunate part is that someone will be dubbed a “winner” after this one. 89 pass attempts and 17 DCarr sacks later, I like Arizona, 21-5.

Week 14 in Review

2005-12-16T12:53:00.000-05:00

Game #3: Denver 12, Baltimore 10
In a classic Rocky Mountain shootout, these two offensive juggernauts lit up the Colorado sky in a late afternoon game on Sunday. Being an NFL ticket subscriber, I watched just about as many minutes of this game as Phil Simms had incompletions in the Super Bowl against the Broncos (which in reality was 3, but I like to remember it as 0).

This game was exactly what the NBA is now. A bunch of convicts (see Jamal Lewis), white guys with the ugliest hair ever (see Jake Plummer), coaches who think they mean way more than they do (See Brian and Mike), and guys acting like its WWIII at a sporting event. To top it all off, the offense in this game was about as good as the NBA offense. Instead of traveling every play, Denver continues to get away with holding every play.

Game #2: Miami 23, San Diego 21
When did the AFC get together and decide that each team that played the Dolphins was not allowed to guard Chris Chambers? Was it the same time that they ruled that no one will ever be able figure what the Chargers are going to do each week? Thanks for the $20 down the drain, Brees, minus 7 my rear end.

It was similar to when I was a kid, we had this kid named AJ. He was faster than Walt Flannigan’s dog. I on the other hand was about as fast as the Adobe car from SNL. Bills and Chargers DB’s are me in this scenario and Chambers is AJ. WHAT IN THE HOLY HECK IS GOING ON?

I’m not kidding, it’s like Bo Jackson in the original Tecmo Bowl. No one within 80 yards of him, except the white guy with no number that high fives him after the score.

Needless to say the Chargers blew this game and probably their playoff chances with this loss. Well, maybe the first two games when Marty gave LT the ball 7 times combined had something to do with it. I loved the Schottenheimer theory earlier in the year: Let’s see, Gates is out, lets really force feed the ball to Eric Parker and Reche Caldwell.

Game #1: New England 35, Buffalo 7
Did you guys hear that Teddy Bruschii is back? I only heard it 26 times in this game as it was a CBS Sunday game, instead of ESPN/ABC where I’d have gotten the information 173 times per quarter.

Seriously, what is Willis talking about?

If I have to hear one more time that the Patriots are quietly winning these games and going to be a factor in the playoffs, I am going to puke. First of all, by every single NFL guy from Berman to JB to Nantz to Gumbel to Chuck Freebee mentioning that they are quietly “sneaking up on everyone,” it makes it physically impossible to sneak. Its like when I was 14 and tried to eat chips (I was a husky boy) while talking to my junior high girlfriend of 7 hours, I couldn’t hide the noise, the crunch was just too loud.

The Patriots are for real, everyone knows it. Tom Brady is good. Bruschii is a hero to all us who have suffered a stroke. Corey Dillon is overpaid. David Givens is underrated. Nothing is new for the Patriots, except they are so quiet.

Final note: How great would it be if the Pats beat INDY at INDY in the AFC Championship?

Why I Hate Eli Manning Playing For My Giants

2005-12-16T12:45:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me state that there are few teams in any sports that I live and die with. The NY Football Giants are one of those teams. Since I was 6, there has hardly been a Sunday afternoon where the Giants lost that I didn’t go to bed in a bad mood.

However, for the last two years, I have never had one such afternoon that didn’t leave me feeling disgusted regardless of a Giants win (of which there has been 15 over the last two years so far) or loss. I spend my Sundays throwing things at the television (which is broadcasting the NFL Ticket—God bless DirectTV this Holiday season), alienating my wife, and scaring the pee out of my dog as I watch every single Giants game.

THE REASON: ELI MANNING

First of all, let me say I was against this whole drafting Eli thing from the start, so I was perhaps entering this whole thing with the glass of beer is half empty kind of attitude. I hate the fact that these college QB’s pull this “I don’t want to go here or there” BS. I hated John Elway for the longest time and was overcome with glee when the Giants spanked his little behind in the 1986-87 Super Bowl.

The Giants QB before the drafting of Eli was Kerry Collins. Much maligned, but still a veteran that could sling the ball down the field. They pretty much passed on a chance to get Larry Fitzgerald (I know Arizona drafted him 3rd, but you don’t think they’d have traded down?).

Say what you want about Kerry Collins, but this could be the Giants lineup right now: Collins, Tiki, Burress, Fitzgerald, Shockey—Toomer as the 3rd WR.
--All that in a passing system that promotes a downfield passer. Collins’
biggest strength is his downfield passing.

You really think the Giants would be a question mark right now with that team?

People tell me I should be patient. SCREW THAT! Tiki and Strahan aren’t getting any younger and deserve another Super Bowl shot. Look at what’s happened since Tiki started getting the touches everyone else gets. Led the league in yards last year, 2nd this year. With a back like that and the receiving weapons, you shouldn’t be 10-10 over your last 20 games.

Here’s a quote from ESPN writer, Gary Horton
“Although many already have anointed him as the savior of the franchise, he has played miserably the last two weeks, tossing only one touchdown pass compared with five interceptions. He has done everything but give games away.”

TWO WEEKS????????????? (He was also on the ESPN Magazine cover this week, the only issue in the last 6 months that I wont even open.)

He has played like dog doo doo since the very beginning. His rating over two years is 69.8. Although he has drastically improved that rating to 75.9 this season. How bad is that? Think about how much crap Jake Plummer has taken over the past two or three years in Denver (until this year), his lowest rating is 85. Eli has also averaged 2.4 INT’s per game since entering the league.

He as won 2 road games in his career (San Francisco and Philadelphia last week). Good grief, USC could beat both of those teams. 3 INT’s against Philly in the 4th quarter/overtime. Seattle only beat them 42-0 in basically 2 quarters. The Giants have to go overtime to win 26-23. Who’s to blame? The defense? No. The kicker (which has been the popular one)? No, he kicked 4 field goals. Tiki? Absolutely not.

--SIDE NOTE: Why in the name of all that is holy do the Giants put that freaking rookie in on the goaline? Tiki can run for 145 every game, but they don’t trust him to run 1 yard? Its killing my fantasy team. You’re killing your father, Larry.

The person to blame is Eli. Plain and simple. Thanks for letting me rant, guys. Don’t talk to me after the Chiefs come in and smoke the Giants this weekend, I don’t want to hear it. In 2012, they’ll win the Super Bowl and everyone will say what a great move it was to get Eli. I will have switched teams by then if this continues, I promise you that.